Hear Me Out

This post is just all about my feels and thoughts that I badly need to vent out. Please bare with me. Hear me out.
If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. -Vincent Van Gogh 

Change of environment
I'm seventeen, grade eleven, surrounded by not-so-matured people. I feel like I'm in an environment where I don't grow, I don't learn new and interesting things from people around me, well, except, of course from my teachers. I yearn for change. I feel like I'm succumbed by this environment and I've got no way out. There are times I wanted to go out of school, really. Find new people, start from scratch—new friends, new environment, new people who will understand me and help me get my shits together. I'm so tired of conversations about boys and crushes. Basically that ain't me. I like serious conversations, plans about future, about art or anything I don't know yet, personal stuff that is beyond those superficial non-sense. I love deep conversations and those that will bug me over night. No, I'm not saying I don't appreciate people talking to me about their boys, yes I do, but I cannot get through the line. I need people with the same interests as mine so we can go on hours talking and discovering one's likes and all that stuff.

So next year, I'm planning to move to another school probably not in Cavite anymore. I wish my parents will permit me. I'm just so sick and tired of the same situation. I know I cannot change what's in front of me right now. The only thing I'm left with is to endure everything, try to grasp, wait and be patient to move and leave. You might get me wrong, I appreciate those around me, my classmates, friends and everything. It's just that I needed more which I cannot find right now.

I, myself, is not sure if moving to another environment will help me find what I'm looking for. It's not always a win-win situation. I just need a new place to breathe.

Do it for yourself
The last post before my Cinemalaya 2016 was last July pa. I have tons of blog posts on my drafts that I can post but I chose not to because I thought "why do I have to publish them when no one's reading?" and I did not. This morning, I reminded myself I'm not doing this for anyone. I don't care anymore about the page views and everything. My blog is a personal one and I'm not obliged to publish every now and then so that others have something to read from me. After all what I post is just about my personal stuff. I turned off my recipes in IFTTT (whenever I publish a post, it automatically updates my other accs) because again, they don't need to be informed.

I want to get away from that. That's why I'm writing this post because after all, this is the only medium where I can vent out all my thoughts and emotions. I'm finally back and I'm so glad I'm doing this on a purpose —for myself. I gave my blog a revamp, changed my blog title from Braveheart to Lei Lubigan. 

I reminded myself that I should do everything not for the sake of others but for the betterment and growth of myself. I can do better and further. I am able.

I felt lighter and relieved though I only released almost 50% of my thoughts and I thank you for bearing with me until the end.



  1. Hi Lei! Reading this post somewhat hit me because this was me before: a 17 year old stuck of hearing classmates in college talking about their party lives, crushes/exes and nonsense talks. I, too also want to explore and see what's in the outside world though I moved into other country lately. I hope you tell to your parents right away that you want to move to another school and tell them your reasons too. Or perhaps think of it for the second time? Surely, they'll understand :)


    1. Ugh, I wish it will be smooth telling my parents I want to move out. I want to get out from all these.
      Thanks for dropping by!